June 2, 2007
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This Past Week
This has been an interesting week for me, with a combination of major successes and seeming regression. Ah, little in life is a straight path ahead without a few steps back now and then, right? I managed to change my bedding for the first time in months, do all my laundry, sort through all the food in my fridge and kitchen cupboards – discarding the antiques, and swim or workout at the gym 4 times, all of these accomplishments being quite significant for me these days. I went to my weekly watercolor class, but I was not up to going to my watercolor buddy’s house for our weekly private painting session and I haven’t made any more headway on my photographs waiting to be sorted. It rather blows my mind to recall I was once, as recently as 5 or 6 years ago, capable of working a full time job and having hobbies and a fairly full social life. I suppose all who become disabled experience similar shock at the depth of the changes in their lives.
For the first time since November, I actually went out last night! I went to hear a neighborhood talk on Medicinal Herbs of the Ozarks by local resident and herbal specialist Bob Liebert of Teeter Creek Herbs. He shared lots of great info about plants which grow prolifically around my cabin and trail! I love learning about local flora and fauna, and I think there is great wisdom in nature. There were a number of people I knew there, some of whom I even like very much, but still I didn’t feel up to chatting, so snuck in late and snuck out early. I feel like such a weirdo sometimes, and being so affected by other peoples energy and so many other externals others find innocuous just adds to that. Anyway, I did at least consciously make eye contact with one person, and even clasped hands with an old friend I feel a particular fondness for on both my way in and out. I had a dream once where I wanted to connect with people in this manner but our arms had been severed – which seems very metaphorical to me in a larger sense for my social issues.
My anxiety has been heightened at times this week, as has my sensitivity, and I have felt some – fortunately fleeting – stronger tinges of depression. Several times this week, including during my watercolor and on a few errands I experienced waves of anxiety verging on panic where I felt really disconnected from reality and basic sounds and sensations seemed either dulled or so amplified as to be painful. I have also been having extremely tiring and stressful dreams – not quite fullblown nightmares, but close. These leave me feeling really drained upon awakening but not wanting to go back to sleep right away in case of slipping back into them. These dreams tend to be accompanied by fully drenching nightsweats that leave me cold in totally soaked sheets – often then inspiring dreams about icy snowy mountain climbing without proper attire. I can’t even imagine what menopause will bring!
Comments (12)
I am happy to hear about your successes this week, and to hear that although you are having some rough times, you’re so good about accepting that not everything is good all the time!
My sister has social anxiety and depression, and I know how hard it is for her sometimes to navigate through both…I’ve only had a panic attack once, and it was a minor one. Waves of panic or almost-panic and drenching nightsweats just sound so difficult to me.
I’m so proud of you for carrying on in your calm, elegant manner. Just keep swimming – you can do it! I look forward to your next insightful, interesting post!
Good to hear you got out and enjoyed yourself a bit. Don’t worry about sneaking in and out…I tend to do the same thing when I can. The good thing is that you went and you enjoyed it.
Thanks for sharing this difficult part of your life. I can identify in many ways. *hugs* Colleen
I get really, really anxious meeting new people at parties, especially when it’s in a group. Even without factoring in the social anxiety, I think some of us just connect better with one or two people at a time. Those connections that you made were meaningful, both to you and to the people whose paths you crossed.
But I know that feeling of huge relief when you feel like you’ve done your duty to society and you can leave!
Nature brings such solace, joy, peace, and wonder. And these things come to me, too, when I read your thoughtful descriptions of the woods you live in, or see your beautiful photos.
Thanks for sharing with us… sounds like a awesome week to me. Sometimes I wonder if I do entirely too much stuff in my week.
Maybe one of these days, life will be simpler. Maybe
I can relate somewhat. I spent some time this past weekend just watching the birds at the feeder.
Hey, just stopping by my subs to check in!
I can relate on some level to the social anxiety. I’m a fairly quiet, low-key person who isn’t that great at meeting new people. Especially not hanging out alone in a room full of strangers. I like my repitition ;]
how you doin’?
Glad to read of your successes. I have recently returned home from spending two and a half weeks at Stanford Medical Center. I had my medications evaluated and changed. Plus I have received five treatments of electroconvulsive therapy. They have worked but I still find myself stressed out in doing errands – from the people in stores and their energy as well as being stressed out about the traffic. People drive so crazily. With having the acute phase of ECT, I haven’t been able to drive for the past three weeks. If being freaked out about traffic as a passenger, I can only imagine how I am going to feel as a drive when I begin to drive next Thursday. I also know about the arrive late and leave early as I doing it at some of the meetings I attend.
mz. em at Findabar
Great job getting so much done this week. I haven’t been reading your site very long and didn’t realize you were disabled. I’ve got two bum feet right now and until they heal, my whole life has changed.
*sparkle
I was thinking about you and thought I’d stop by to say hello. I hope you’re doing well!
Glad to know you are better. I love learning about herbs that grow wild. I grow a lot of herbs. Judi
Just checking in to say hello since it’s been awhile since your last post. Hope all is well.