Temperatures here have fluctuated below and above freezing for varying durations this month, and winds and waves here range from nonexistent to extreme.  In response to these conditions, a massive shelf of ice has alternately frozen into form and melted away along the shore of Lake Ontario near my parents’ home.  I have been quite amazed at the speeds with which it can develop and disappear, and with the broad expanse  and great height to which it can grow.  It seems to coalesce from a collection of frozen orbs ranging in size from grapes to large pumpkins.  As more and more individual orbs are frozen from the icy waters of the lake, they are bounced towards shore by the waves and gradually freeze together into a vast floating raft that may or may not extend solidly to the lake bottom.  I must admit I have not been tempted enough to investigate this
particular aspect of the ice shelf real closely, as the cost of my
curiosity could be quite high!  Anyway, when the waves are too weak to push the icy orbs landward to join the growing shelf, they drift waterward of the shelf and are favorite perches for the seagulls. 

Happy Solstice everyone!  May the daylight begin to lengthen once more!  I just finished writing a letter of Holiday Greetings and since I’m online I thought I would post it here…

Dear Family and Friends,
          I am very grateful to be able to report significant overall improvement in my mental wellness this year.  Since 1992 I have struggled with depression & anxiety of varying severity.  In 2002 my illness worsened again, leaving me unable to function, and I had to resign from my career in environmental protection.  Not wanting to be disabled, I began in 2003 taking on varying amounts of part-time work in informal settings with hopes of functioning normally again.  Much to my dismay, my efforts failed — and backfired; I was once again totally derailed by my illness in 2006. 
          From hospital and intensive programs in 2006 I learned a great deal more about coping with the illness.  And, I finally accepted that I really had become impaired and unable to work.  Fortunately, I had sufficient work history with Social Security to qualify for Disability Insurance benefits.  It is modest income (I’ve learned to live on a fourth of what I was used to earning), but it is unaffected by flare ups of the illness.  It enables me to keep more of my focus on wellness, and finding ways to reestablish some sorely missed equanimity and equilibrium.  I am extremely grateful now that much less of my energy is on mere survival these days, and much more is on learning to again appreciate my life.
          My self-esteem and self-image were shaken by the unwanted functional limitations that at times led me to feel I was failing to lead a meritorious life.  Yet, gradual acceptance of the unappealing realities of my condition has caused me to reexamine and revise the standards and values I measure my life by, and this has been very important.  It’s enabled me to stop trying (and failing) to be who I thought I should be or wanted to be, to make peace with myself as I really am, and to find ways to live that afford less suffering and greater wellnesss.  I believe that for a wide variety of reasons many people undertake similar restructuring efforts at some point in life, so I think I am in good company.
          I live very simply in my little cabin in a forest near a lovely little river, and revere the intimate contact with the wonders of nature.  I deeply appreciate witnessing so closely all the natural cycles, and the tremendous diversity and interconnectedness of life and earth.  I love the tranquility that usually reigns here.  The cabin’s limited size inspires me to continually pare down belongings I do not use or need.  I sleep a lot and try to eat very healthfully.  Often I am out quietly observing, photographing or just absorbing nature; being with my cat and dog; writing; listening to audio books; walking, hiking, swimming, or gathering firewood; and reflecting on gratitude, mindfulness, and compassion.  It’s a delight to experience less despair and more hope, and to be capable of feeling some joy once again.
          Lowpoints this year have been few, and highpoints have been numerous.  Highpoints included a beautiful ice storm in January; witnessing the coming of spring from the cabin instead of the hospital; visits from my high school friend A., and from Aunt J. and Uncle A.; visiting my parents in Rochester, New York in summer & winter with kayaking and x-c skiing respectively; meeting my parents in Wyoming to see the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone; and in Rocky Mountain National Park a gathering of Highly Sensitive People that was like being with my long lost tribe. 
          My favorite two books this year have been:  Soulcraft – Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche  by Bill Plotkin, and  Toxic Sucess – How to Stop Striving and Start Thriving  by Paul Pearsall.  Are there books you’ve really enjoyed this year?
          I still lack a bathroom and accommodations are sparse at my little cabin, but if you travel near the Missouri Ozarks there are reasonable hotels nearby, and we could wander together the beautiful forests, rivers and springs.  I hope this letter finds you feeling well, and I wish you all the best in the new year!

In addition to dealing with difficult dreams at night recently, I have been celebrating the season by day sharing some tasty and enjoyable treats and traditions here with family and friends. Here are a couple pictures…

My best friend from high school and I with our parents,
gathering to decorate gingerbread houses.

My friend & my parents with a smiling Santa ice cream cake – already cut into before we remembered to take a picture!

My Mom took this photo of us enjoying the snow at my parents house…

It wasn’t very deep yet at that point, but by now I’d guess there is about a foot that has fallen since last night. Very very pretty! My Dad and I took my dog for a long walk at the park through the snow this morning, and then I went back by myself to cross-country ski. It was such a treat for me; in Missouri even if we get snow the ground is seldom frozen solid enough to permit skiing.

My dog, cat and I are all back at my parents, this time for a winter visit. We have had a beautiful snowfall today which is fun for me since I see little snow in Missouri. Yesterday it was extremely windy so I had to take some lake pictures. I forgot to wear gloves and it was hours before my fingers warmed up again, but wow was it beautiful with the icy winds.

Lake Ontario just east of Rochester, New York

I wrote this entry in November and have been meaning to post it, so here it is at last…

THANKSGIVING

I have felt extra grateful this Thanksgiving season, and I was able to attend two gatherings, one last Sunday with my neighbors here and one on Thanksgiving Thursday with friends 55 miles from here. While I quite enjoy my solitude, it felt really nice to be welcomed so warmly at both of these gatherings and to celebrate with others. My neighbors always have their Thanksgiving a few days early since that’s when their kids can make it, and food at their home is always really good and spirits generally high and it was a nice gathering.

Then a few days later came the Thursday event which was an extra special treat for me.  It felt delightfully restful and revitalizing in contrast to most social gatherings I attend, which often drain me.  It was billed as a gathering of quiet folk, and proved to be so.  I think all 5 of the others there are also HSPs, and the energy of the group was very peaceful and the meal relaxed, and after some time spent watching the fire in the fireplace we did a Yoga Nidra (yogic sleep) exercise.  Together in silence, what a refreshing way for someone like me to be social with others!

Frequently, even when I manage to enjoy more conventional socializing, I still find it draining and I am often ready to leave gatherings long before the others are. But on Thanksgiving day I felt no rush to head out, and left only when the other guests prepared to go, major progress for me!  The peaceful energy, the Yoga Nidra and the time spent together in spiritual silence left me feeling more rejuvenated than drained when I got in the car to drive back home. Delightful indeed!

I have also been very grateful to discover myself feeling remarkably better in recent weeks which makes it much easier for me to enjoy the company of others, as well as life in general!  It feels like in recent months my chronic burden of dealing with painful overwhelm (a truly Sisyphean task for me in recent years), has been lifting and I have significantly more glimpses of joy than despair these days.  It reminds me of how I imagine it would feel to have a piece of heavy furniture lifted off me after being trapped underneath for a very, very long time!

Perhaps this means that I have finally hit upon the combined health regime and modified lifestyle focused-in-nature that really works for me; or that my stars have come into a more favorable alignment, or that the Goddess has smiled upon me, or I have become one with the Tao, or some other spiritual miracle has taken place. Whatever the causes may be, I rejoice in how it feels and hope that it may continue, and I extend my thanks and gratitude out worldwide!

Here are a couple more photos from my recent Colorado trip…