December 22, 2007

• Holiday Greetings

  Happy Solstice everyone!  May the daylight begin to lengthen once more!  I just finished writing a letter of Holiday Greetings and since I’m online I thought I would post it here…

  Dear Family and Friends,
            I am very grateful to be able to report significant overall improvement in my mental wellness this year.  Since 1992 I have struggled with depression & anxiety of varying severity.  In 2002 my illness worsened again, leaving me unable to function, and I had to resign from my career in environmental protection.  Not wanting to be disabled, I began in 2003 taking on varying amounts of part-time work in informal settings with hopes of functioning normally again.  Much to my dismay, my efforts failed — and backfired; I was once again totally derailed by my illness in 2006. 
            From hospital and intensive programs in 2006 I learned a great deal more about coping with the illness.  And, I finally accepted that I really had become impaired and unable to work.  Fortunately, I had sufficient work history with Social Security to qualify for Disability Insurance benefits.  It is modest income (I’ve learned to live on a fourth of what I was used to earning), but it is unaffected by flare ups of the illness.  It enables me to keep more of my focus on wellness, and finding ways to reestablish some sorely missed equanimity and equilibrium.  I am extremely grateful now that much less of my energy is on mere survival these days, and much more is on learning to again appreciate my life.
            My self-esteem and self-image were shaken by the unwanted functional limitations that at times led me to feel I was failing to lead a meritorious life.  Yet, gradual acceptance of the unappealing realities of my condition has caused me to reexamine and revise the standards and values I measure my life by, and this has been very important.  It’s enabled me to stop trying (and failing) to be who I thought I should be or wanted to be, to make peace with myself as I really am, and to find ways to live that afford less suffering and greater wellnesss.  I believe that for a wide variety of reasons many people undertake similar restructuring efforts at some point in life, so I think I am in good company.
            I live very simply in my little cabin in a forest near a lovely little river, and revere the intimate contact with the wonders of nature.  I deeply appreciate witnessing so closely all the natural cycles, and the tremendous diversity and interconnectedness of life and earth.  I love the tranquility that usually reigns here.  The cabin’s limited size inspires me to continually pare down belongings I do not use or need.  I sleep a lot and try to eat very healthfully.  Often I am out quietly observing, photographing or just absorbing nature; being with my cat and dog; writing; listening to audio books; walking, hiking, swimming, or gathering firewood; and reflecting on gratitude, mindfulness, and compassion.  It’s a delight to experience less despair and more hope, and to be capable of feeling some joy once again.
            Lowpoints this year have been few, and highpoints have been numerous.  Highpoints included a beautiful ice storm in January; witnessing the coming of spring from the cabin instead of the hospital; visits from my high school friend A., and from Aunt J. and Uncle A.; visiting my parents in Rochester, New York in summer & winter with kayaking and x-c skiing respectively; meeting my parents in Wyoming to see the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone; and in Rocky Mountain National Park a gathering of Highly Sensitive People that was like being with my long lost tribe. 
            My favorite two books this year have been:  Soulcraft – Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche  by Bill Plotkin, and  Toxic Sucess – How to Stop Striving and Start Thriving  by Paul Pearsall.  Are there books you’ve really enjoyed this year?
            I still lack a bathroom and accommodations are sparse at my little cabin, but if you travel near the Missouri Ozarks there are reasonable hotels nearby, and we could wander together the beautiful forests, rivers and springs.  I hope this letter finds you feeling well, and I wish you all the best in the new year!
  

  • 3:24 pm
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