Winter returned in force this week, depositing a spectacular 5-inch thick shimmering white blanket across the forest.  The first two inches are tiny little ice pellets that formed a solid underlay for the 3-inch top coat of soft feathery snowflakes that sparkle with brilliance in the afternoon sunlight.  This is the thickest and most beautiful white coat I have seen drape the forests in my five winters in Missouri.  The soft powder topping the denser base reflected and refracted the abundant afternoon sunshine in a captivating manner, and provided an richly sensual surface for walking upon – soft and cushioning with a very gentle crunch.  My dog May would have loved to accompany me as I traipsed through the unbroken snow, and I would have loved to watch her romp and play and celebrate unreservedly nature’s endless wonders.  I had a walking stick with me as I wandered, absorbing the breathtaking majesty of the trackless snowy forest, and without premeditation I instinctively attempted to draw a picture of May in hopes that her spirit might share more directly in my earthly sensory celebration.   The drawing looked to me more like a deer with an unusually long tail, but I think May would understand my intent…

Hieroglyph of my recently deceased but still beloved dog May

I am feeling so incredibly fortunate and grateful to be living here in this little cabin in this peaceful forest.  Today we here in the Missouri Ozarks had one of our reprieves from winter, with a high in the low 60′s – quite a difference from last week’s low of 5.  It was also a day filled with glorious sunshine, and I worked outside in the forest all day long feeling the deep sense of peace and balance and connection with nature and spirit I have so often found here out in my wooded sanctuary.  I did some maintenance work on one of my trails, made some brush piles for the critters, and cut firewood from some of the massive branches that came down in last year’s ice storms.  I use simple hand tools for all these tasks: a light leaf rake, pruners, and a handsaw.  Today I regained an awareness of various muscles in my arms, shoulders, and back I’d not been using much recently. 

I like using simple hand tools rather than more powerful tools or power tools for a combination of reasons:
1. They are blessedly, blissfully Q-u-i-e-t
2. They are way more eco-friendly to operate
2. They are more gentle on soil, plants, and trees
4. They are conducive to slow and meditative work
5. They encourage me to be in close contact with Earth
6. They afford a more “timeless” connection with ancestors

Part of what I love about being here is that I cannot see or hear any other human activity or development.  Instead, the sights and sounds are of nature and I feel so privileged to share this intimacy with mother Earth.  The cabin, while small and rustic, provides for my basic needs.  I feel so blessed to be able to step outside and commune with flora and fauna surrounding me.  I love to listen to the often subtle symphony of nature and gaze upon unbroken forest as far as the eye can see.  I love to breathe slowly and deeply of the open air here that feels so clean and fresh, and to smell the earthy scent of the leaves and soil.  I love to touch the varied textures of bark, moss, and rock.  I love to lay my body right down against the breast of the Earth, to get as close as I can to the source of so many miracles, to entrain my spirit with the rhythm of the Earth.  When I do this, so often my soul fills right up with peace and love overflowing.  I feel the magnificence of Gaia then, of how it feels to be in balance as a part of the greater whole.  I did this today, and I felt this today, and I am so grateful to be fully conscious and alive.

I returned to my beloved forest sanctuary home from my extended holiday journey 3 days ago, and am still getting accustomed to being here without my dog May.  She has been such an important part of my life, and such a wonderful companion in this remote setting.  It has felt empty and hollow here in some ways without May by my side, both within the cabin and out along the trail, yet on some level I sense her spirit’s presence.  At times I feel like she is still with me yet also in a very peaceful place beyond the physical realm.  But I still miss being able to wrap my arms around her and cuddle up together.  I am very grateful for my cat Abie, as he loves to cuddle and be held and tending to him in those ways brings me as much or more comfort as he gets.  I had a good cry tonight grieving May which felt cleansing, and I continue to be grateful for the time I did get to share with her here. 

I took this test after seeing S2Know’s result posted on her xanga site:
http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-golden-compass-daemon-test

Your result for The Golden Compass Daemon Test …

Open Solitary Soul

I am very grateful to have joyfully celebrated the winter holidays this year with my sweetheart M and our families, as well as having had a nice visit with my best friend and a happy reunion with two dear friends from high school.  M and I had a wonderful visit over Thanksgiving in Rochester NY with my parents on Lake Ontario, a refreshing ecospiritual celebration of Winter Solstice with friends in W NC, a nice holiday lunch together with all of our parents, a great Christmas with her family at Emerald Isle NC, and for New Years a delightful dance on the Eve and beautiful hike on the Day.  The final celebration of the season was more bittersweet: a ritual to honor the life of my beloved dog who died this week, a memorial celebration which encompassed tremendous joy but also very deep sorrow.

Over five of the last seven years with my dog May, I have had scattered but significant trouble with her behaving aggressively with others.  It has been a difficult thing to grapple with since she was always so extremely gentle and loving with me, as with many others, and I didn’t always perceive or forsee her triggers.  A couple weeks ago she had another aggressive episode which particularly terrified me.  Since then, I consulted with a veterinarian and my conscience, and made the difficult and painful decision to have May euthanized to prevent additional danger/harm.

I did this with a very heavy heart and I am open to any prayers or compassionate thoughts you might be able to spare for us both.  I’m attaching a photo of us from a happier day, and taking comfort in the fact that I got to take May on lots of nice long hikes and spend lots of time cuddling with her in her final week.  Her actual passing was as loving and peaceful a process as I could have ever dared hope for.  I am also attaching here a tribute which M helped me write and share with May prior to her death.  Thank you all for sharing in the joy we have had as well as the sorrow.

Tribute to May in honor of her final journey here Wednesday January 7, 2009

Dearest May, you are strikingly gentle and strong, sensitive and cheerful, loyal and loving.  Your eyes, such a deep chestnut brown, are so soulful, and so soothing to gaze into.  Your coat is so smooth and soft.  You have brought great comfort, hope, and joy into our lives.  Though not always gentle with others, you have been so full of gentleness, compassion, and care for Cath; you have been very protective of her and helpful to her.

You have appreciated the simple things of life with the deepest of pleasure: bathing in pools of sunlight, wading through pools of water and especially submerging your face, watching the crayfish in the river, long walks in the woods, sitting quietly in nature and absorbing the sensory delights; finding persimmons by the cabin, pawpaws by the river, carrots in the garden to eat; chewing rawhide bones by the woodstove; letting Abie lick your face and cuddling close with Cath.  You have shared Cath’s sanctuary and sense of sacredness at Sweetwater at the river, the cabin, the springs, the garden, and the trails you helped Cath to create in the forest.  For all of this, Cath is grateful to you.  

While Cath has given you the love and care you needed, you helped in a very critical time to keep meaning and joy in her life during a part of her journey when life for her had become traumatic and disorienting.  Thanks to love for you, Cath remained fully committed to caring for you when she lost the will to care for herself and so carried on.  Your gentleness and affection toward her and your enthusiasm for life gave her hope.  You helped inspire her to create a new paradigm for a life outside the box — close to soul and nature — enabling her spirit to heal and grow in encouraging new directions.

I’m so glad for the day when Cath found you. I believe that you two were meant to be together, and that you have brought each other peace and comfort, joy and happiness.  Because of Cath, you have been well cared for with great tenderness and compassion.  And, you helped Cath remember she was able to care for others even when she felt lost and alone.  Cath is deeply extremely grateful to you for the many gifts you have brought to her life.  You two have had seven loving years of supporting each other.  The quality of your time together has had an infinitely greater value than you both might yet know.

I don’t understand all of the factors that have brought out your aggression.  I am sure that you act in ways you feel you need to in order to stay safe, even though in the long run it is not safe for you or for those around you.  But, your aggressive behaviors have in no way diminished the beautiful and loving creature that you are.  And though your life is perhaps being cut short prematurely, all aspects of your loving energy and all of your full wildness will now be free beyond the constraints of this manifestation of life.

There are no muzzles where you are going, and no threats, and no upsetting intrusions.

There it is full of freedom, safety, peace, and love.  Your body will return to nourish the earth and the waters and the verdant forests you love.  Your spirit will visit more sacred rivers and forest sanctuaries and continue to appreciate and enjoy all the wonders of nature you and Cath and Melanie all love so deeply.

We will remember you, May, with affection, respect, and gratitude.

You are a part of us, and you always will be.

We love you, May.

–M and Cath