Though he died before my birth, Dr Martin Luther King Jr is someone whose profound compassion, timeless wisdom, and incomparable message of love and hope has inspired within me the utmost respect.  I have had the opportunity to hear audio recordings of Dr King in person, and the gentle power and deep resonance of his remarkable voice live on in my memory as wholly inspirational even without words.  Here, though, are just a few of the many powerful words he once shared with the world which I also cherish:

“The quality, not the longevity, of one’s life is what is important.“

“Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.“

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.“


“Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.”

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”


“I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

“The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood.“

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love
will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily
defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.”

Two things I like so much about winter here in the Ozarks is that we have warm spells in between the cold snaps, and even when it does get really cold it is so frequently bright and sunny here, very unlike the gloomy grey cold that dominates winter skies in Rochester, NY.  Both yesterday and today have been marvelously bright and sunny which makes the cold snap we are currently having so much more pleasant.  Last night it got down to 12 degrees here and, at the risk of sharing TMI, I can tell you that there is some serious steam that rises when peeing outdoors in such conditions, and great incentive to be quick about it!  There are two small single-pane windows I don’t keep an insulating layer of plastic over, so that I can open them when it’s not freezing cold out; last night and this morning I noticed that condensation had formed and frozen on the one by my bed!  Fortunately for me, my critters are very cuddly.  My cat crawls in under the covers with me and my dog stays atop them but pressed against me so we all stay quite cozy.  Often during the day, my dog lays by the woodstove and my cat curls up in warm sunbeams coming through the south facing windows.
 
Yesterday it hovered around 20 here and I took advantage of the sub-freezing temps to split firewood.  I’m told it is easier under such conditions since water in the wood freezes and makes it more brittle, and I’m all for such extra help.  It still feels quite novel to me to split wood given my urban upbringing, like I’m getting back in touch with a core human survival skill I previously missed out on.  I first tried my hand at it a few years ago when an accomplished woodcutter friend gave me a lesson, and let’s just say I was not a natural!  I’ve always been athletic, so I was dismayed at how long it took me to hone my skill and really get into the swing of it (ha ha).  But by now, though extremely far from expert, I can actually split wood with reasonable consistency!  When with I get into that zen mode, winding up from my toes for my swing and getting the job done with only one whack of the splitting maul, there is a feeling of channeled energy and fluid strength from outside me that floods in and immediate gratitude to the wood for future warmth that swells up, and I am filled with a profound peace and satisfaction.  It really is a spiritual experience, with a wonderfully grounding physical component.  So, as the wise ones say, chop wood carry water!

My dear xanga friends, I am feeling so full of LOVE for you all today!  Thank you so much for all the caring comments you have shared with me over my time on xanga.  I really appreciate your gentle kindness and your unique presence in my semi-reclusive life.  One of my favorite aspects of the web is that it allows people who otherwise would not cross paths the opportunity to connect with one another, and I’m glad to have found you!

I am also pleased to report that my back fared much better than I expected from my rock-work the other day.  And, that the mental fog seems to be continuing to abate, which feels simply rapturous.  At times like these when the fog is lifting, I remember anew just how exhausting living within the fog is.  Back in the days before chronic fog I took relative mental clarity so much for granted, but oh my, not now!

A couple weeks ago a wonderful-woman-friend (who I’d met when living in Florida, but had been
only in very sporadic touch with since) called and we spoke for several hours.  It was delightful to hear both her familiar voice and her familiar vocal
mannerisms, and I found myself once again filled with such an intense feeling of affection and appreciation for her.  I am feeling so full of love lately, it feels really wonderful and just spills out.

We decided to try to stay in closer
touch.  I called her back again last night and we talked for another 90
minutes.  During both conversations she had marveled at the fact that I
so frequently go several days without seeing or even talking to with
another human, which is difficult
for her to comprehend as she lives and works in a much more urban environment.

Along those lines, we were totally amused by the fact
that I became quite hoarse somewhere between about 60 – 90 minutes
during both phone conversations!  It was especially bad that first time since we had so much more to catch up on and I was really croaking by the end.  I know that in general when muscles go unused they atrophy, but I just never thought about the fact that my vocal abilities might begin to atrophy after living so silently!  So, it seems my laryngeal muscles will need some conditioning after their extended time of rest!

Since my last post I’ve been having a hard time getting going in the mornings – the transition from sleep to full wakefulness has been difficult, and I seemed to be finally awake only once it was late evening and time to wind back down for sleep.  But today when I first woke up the fog seemed to clear easily and I enjoyed feeling more alert both earlier in the day and for a longer stretch.  I also collected another car-load of rock today and placed it along the path in my yard leading to the trail.  The county road crew dug drainage ditches along the edges of some of the dirt roads in my rural neighborhood and left nice rock in piles strewn along the banks of the road.  I got a bit carried away this time and went for some of the larger rock, and my back is already aching.  Hopefully it won’t be too sore tomorrow!

I am delighted to be continuing to experience so much improved emotional wellness these days.  Even so, I have to say that I sometimes still get quite frustrated with and at times embarrassed by functional impairments that remain.  Before I had direct experience to draw from, I had little idea how depression and anxiety could affect someone so much more broadly than the more obvious impacts on mood, outlook, and emotions.  One such impairment that so frequently haunts me is my reduced capacity for what might be best described as executive functioning.  Overall it has become markedly reduced over the years, and is also much more variable and unpredictable than it once was; perhaps I never properly appreciated the ease with executive functioning I once had until it faded!

When I accept myself
as I am rather than as I want to be, and focus on my gratitude
for my greatly improved emotional state, my frustration over impairments diminishes and a
sense of equanimity soothes me like a balm for my psyche.  But, this
requires conscious effort, so keep trying to remind myself of it when, like today, I am bothered by my limitations.  Still, it quite baffles me at times that despite having a Mensa-qualifying IQ and being able to heft heavy objects and to walk for miles on end it is often somehow just too difficult for me to keep up with my correspondence, keep up with xanga, keep up with my cabin, cook meals, work with my photographs, read books in print which interest me greatly, be around other people, or to think things through in the presence of someone else or even think clearly when I am alone! 

And basic things like paying a bill or making a choice at the grocery store can stupefy me!   Blah blah blah blah!  Blah!  I could go on and on!  It seems silly to complain about what I often can’t do when there is so much good in my life, but I think I just needed to vent a little.  I did manage to do some cooking this week – and in big batches so I’d have extra for the freezer – which was a major accomplishment, but then I got all frustrated not to be able to sort out my cabin and photos and catch up on my email and visiting xangan friends.  And, so often it takes all my cognitive energy to just read my email or the HSP board or xanga, that I don’t have any energy left to write anything anywhere. 

I guess I need to stop here and re-calibrate my standards and expectations once again.  I can choose to focus on my cooking success this week rather than what I did not get accomplished, even if it appears trivial based on my old abilities since those abilities have changed.  And, to recall that being actually happy to be alive, on a fairly even emotional plane, in excellent physical health, and living with loving critters in a beautiful forest, is a wonderful thing.

I arrived home to my cabin in the woods in time to mark the passing of 2007 and usher in the new year.  As I stepped out the door this afternoon some motion caught my eye and I looked up in time to see some turkeys foraging nearby with two deer just behind them!  The turkeys were more cautious and drifted away into the forest but the deer seemed to sense my peaceful intent and we watched each other with what seemed to be mutual curiosity and interest until I got too cold and went back inside.  I watched them through the window then and was very pleased to see that they seemed to feel safe here and had opted to continue their foraging near the cabin.  May 2008 be a year filled with greater peace, joy, compassion, and love for all!

Temperatures here have fluctuated below and above freezing for varying durations this month, and winds and waves here range from nonexistent to extreme.  In response to these conditions, a massive shelf of ice has alternately frozen into form and melted away along the shore of Lake Ontario near my parents’ home.  I have been quite amazed at the speeds with which it can develop and disappear, and with the broad expanse  and great height to which it can grow.  It seems to coalesce from a collection of frozen orbs ranging in size from grapes to large pumpkins.  As more and more individual orbs are frozen from the icy waters of the lake, they are bounced towards shore by the waves and gradually freeze together into a vast floating raft that may or may not extend solidly to the lake bottom.  I must admit I have not been tempted enough to investigate this
particular aspect of the ice shelf real closely, as the cost of my
curiosity could be quite high!  Anyway, when the waves are too weak to push the icy orbs landward to join the growing shelf, they drift waterward of the shelf and are favorite perches for the seagulls. 

Happy Solstice everyone!  May the daylight begin to lengthen once more!  I just finished writing a letter of Holiday Greetings and since I’m online I thought I would post it here…

Dear Family and Friends,
          I am very grateful to be able to report significant overall improvement in my mental wellness this year.  Since 1992 I have struggled with depression & anxiety of varying severity.  In 2002 my illness worsened again, leaving me unable to function, and I had to resign from my career in environmental protection.  Not wanting to be disabled, I began in 2003 taking on varying amounts of part-time work in informal settings with hopes of functioning normally again.  Much to my dismay, my efforts failed — and backfired; I was once again totally derailed by my illness in 2006. 
          From hospital and intensive programs in 2006 I learned a great deal more about coping with the illness.  And, I finally accepted that I really had become impaired and unable to work.  Fortunately, I had sufficient work history with Social Security to qualify for Disability Insurance benefits.  It is modest income (I’ve learned to live on a fourth of what I was used to earning), but it is unaffected by flare ups of the illness.  It enables me to keep more of my focus on wellness, and finding ways to reestablish some sorely missed equanimity and equilibrium.  I am extremely grateful now that much less of my energy is on mere survival these days, and much more is on learning to again appreciate my life.
          My self-esteem and self-image were shaken by the unwanted functional limitations that at times led me to feel I was failing to lead a meritorious life.  Yet, gradual acceptance of the unappealing realities of my condition has caused me to reexamine and revise the standards and values I measure my life by, and this has been very important.  It’s enabled me to stop trying (and failing) to be who I thought I should be or wanted to be, to make peace with myself as I really am, and to find ways to live that afford less suffering and greater wellnesss.  I believe that for a wide variety of reasons many people undertake similar restructuring efforts at some point in life, so I think I am in good company.
          I live very simply in my little cabin in a forest near a lovely little river, and revere the intimate contact with the wonders of nature.  I deeply appreciate witnessing so closely all the natural cycles, and the tremendous diversity and interconnectedness of life and earth.  I love the tranquility that usually reigns here.  The cabin’s limited size inspires me to continually pare down belongings I do not use or need.  I sleep a lot and try to eat very healthfully.  Often I am out quietly observing, photographing or just absorbing nature; being with my cat and dog; writing; listening to audio books; walking, hiking, swimming, or gathering firewood; and reflecting on gratitude, mindfulness, and compassion.  It’s a delight to experience less despair and more hope, and to be capable of feeling some joy once again.
          Lowpoints this year have been few, and highpoints have been numerous.  Highpoints included a beautiful ice storm in January; witnessing the coming of spring from the cabin instead of the hospital; visits from my high school friend A., and from Aunt J. and Uncle A.; visiting my parents in Rochester, New York in summer & winter with kayaking and x-c skiing respectively; meeting my parents in Wyoming to see the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone; and in Rocky Mountain National Park a gathering of Highly Sensitive People that was like being with my long lost tribe. 
          My favorite two books this year have been:  Soulcraft – Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche  by Bill Plotkin, and  Toxic Sucess – How to Stop Striving and Start Thriving  by Paul Pearsall.  Are there books you’ve really enjoyed this year?
          I still lack a bathroom and accommodations are sparse at my little cabin, but if you travel near the Missouri Ozarks there are reasonable hotels nearby, and we could wander together the beautiful forests, rivers and springs.  I hope this letter finds you feeling well, and I wish you all the best in the new year!

In addition to dealing with difficult dreams at night recently, I have been celebrating the season by day sharing some tasty and enjoyable treats and traditions here with family and friends. Here are a couple pictures…

My best friend from high school and I with our parents,
gathering to decorate gingerbread houses.

My friend & my parents with a smiling Santa ice cream cake – already cut into before we remembered to take a picture!