I’ve been off-line this week, immersed in a sorting, purging, and organizing extravaganza.  I have always been something of a packrat, finding it very difficult to get rid of whatever I acquire, but for years I have felt overly burdened with STUFF.  Most of it I rarely if ever use, and frequently the things I want to use are too far buried beneath things I don’t that I can’t find them.  During several moves when I was living in Florida, I carted stuff from one rented storage area to another without even opening up boxes between moves – knowing I would just have to pack them up again.  When I left Florida for Missouri, I began a gradual yet dedicated process of paring down my belongings.  There is still a long way to go until I have what I think of as a reasonable (instead of excessive) amount of stuff, but finally I am feeling it begin to get there, hurray!

My current living space consists of 450 sq ft indoors and a detached shed (much smaller than what I was used to), and when I first moved in I had so many boxes all over the place I could see very little floor, and it felt very overcrowded, cluttered and sort of chaotic.  In the last 3 years I have been gradually but steadily downsizing my collection of material belongings and realizing how much better it feels in here with more room to breathe, to think, to feel, to be has inspired me to continue on.  I periodically get these urges to pare down another layer, and have been struck by one this week more strongly than usual, enabling me to get rid of stuff I didn’t need or really even want ,but felt too attached to part with.  Of course as with many things it gets worse before it gets better, and at the moment there is stuff EVERYWHERE in complete disarray both inside the cabin and outside under a huge tarp as I am going through it deciding its fate.  But, between Goodwill, recycling, and garbage I have already gotten rid of a solid carful this time.

Fortunately, May the dog and Abie the cat are keeping me company throughout the process, both indoors and out.  See Abie below in his little blue lounge chair?  He seems to like supervising my efforts.

I am so grateful for the wonderful river, and my daily reward is to go down there with May and commune with the fish, crayfish, snails, frogs, turtles, dragonflies, birds, and occasional deer we find down there!  It feels so cleansing purifying and reconnecting to be swimming there among all those beautiful creatures.

I look forward to resuming reading your blogs when I get a better handle on the chaos around the cabin.

Okay, here are two more beautifully colored mushrooms I photographed here in the forest.  They looked especially nice just after a rain.  I haven’t tried to identify these yet – anyone know what species they are?  Nature in all her wondrous glory continues to move me and inspire my spirit. 

Fortunately for me, Abe and May seem to appreciate each other.

One of Abe’s favorite spots to curl up is deep inside the laundry basket.

May is extremely patient with me when we go out on photo safaris in the forest or fossil hunts at the river and she likes to lay down near me while I am in one spot for a while and keep watch.

I am extremely grateful for their loving presence in my life.

We have had wonderful rains this last month and they have fostered incredible mushrooms throughout the forest here.  I have been delighted by the great diversity of colors, shapes, textures, and sizes of these fungi.  Some of them are edible, but some are so poisonous I’ve not yet been tempted enough to taste any of them.  Some of them have very strong scents which don’t appeal to me nearly as much as the way they look!  My dog and I have been bushwhacking through some of 400 or so forested acres here and I have been taking lots of mushroom photos on these treks.  The two I am posting here now are from the forest around my cabin.

I searched the internet and have identified these two mushrooms.  This first one I spotted from afar on my way home from a mushroom trek and I was amazed by its size, easily twice as big as any I’d seen so far, and by the overlapping layers like petals of a huge flower.  I believe it to be a Berkeley’s Polypore (Bondarzewia berkeleyi), which I learned routinely gets quite large.  I put my watch in the photo to impart a sense of scale.  I measured it today – it is about 17 inches across at its longest plane, and about 9 inches tall on the downhill side.  It is growing out of the ground right next to an extremely large red oak on the forested slope just below my cabin.  This is the only one of its kind I have seen on my treks yet.  Supposedly this is an edible species.

The second one is much smaller, but has a beautiful blue color!  I’ve identified this one as a Milky Indigo (Lactarius Indigo), and it does in fact produce a blue milky fluid when the gills are touched.  I have been fortunate to find Milky Indigos 3 times in 3 different locations scattered throughout the forest, each time spotting them pushing their way up through the leaf litter on the forest floor below a subcanopy of dogwoods and a canopy of mostly oaks.  This too is supposedly an edible species, though I’ve not tested this one either.  The Milky Indigo, I have learned, can occur in North and Central America, and also somewhere in China!

This has been an interesting week for me, with a combination of major successes and seeming regression.  Ah, little in life is a straight path ahead without a few steps back now and then, right?  I managed to change my bedding for the first time in months, do all my laundry, sort through all the food in my fridge and kitchen cupboards – discarding the antiques, and swim or workout at the gym 4 times, all of these accomplishments being quite significant for me these days.  I went to my weekly watercolor class, but I was not up to going to my watercolor buddy’s house for our weekly private painting session and I haven’t made any more headway on my photographs waiting to be sorted.  It rather blows my mind to recall I was once, as recently as 5 or 6 years ago, capable of working a full time job and having hobbies and a fairly full social life.  I suppose all who become disabled experience similar shock at the depth of the changes in their lives.

For the first time since November, I actually went out last night!  I went to hear a neighborhood talk on Medicinal Herbs of the Ozarks by local resident and herbal specialist Bob Liebert of Teeter Creek Herbs.  He shared lots of great info about plants which grow prolifically around my cabin and trail!  I love learning about local flora and fauna, and I think there is great wisdom in nature.  There were a number of people I knew there, some of whom I even like very much, but still I didn’t feel up to chatting, so snuck in late and snuck out early.  I feel like such a weirdo sometimes, and being so affected by other peoples energy and so many other externals others find innocuous just adds to that.  Anyway, I did at least consciously make eye contact with one person, and even clasped hands with an old friend I feel a particular fondness for on both my way in and out.  I had a dream once where I wanted to connect with people in this manner but our arms had been severed – which seems very metaphorical to me in a larger sense for my social issues.

My anxiety has been heightened at times this week, as has my sensitivity, and I have felt some – fortunately fleeting – stronger tinges of depression.  Several times this week, including during my watercolor and on a few errands I experienced waves of anxiety verging on panic where I felt really disconnected from reality and basic sounds and sensations seemed either dulled or so amplified as to be painful.  I have also been having extremely tiring and stressful dreams – not quite fullblown nightmares, but close.  These leave me feeling really drained upon awakening but not wanting to go back to sleep right away in case of slipping back into them.  These dreams tend to be accompanied by fully drenching nightsweats that leave me cold in totally soaked sheets – often then inspiring dreams about icy snowy mountain climbing without proper attire.  I can’t even imagine what menopause will bring! 

One of the hardest aspects of traveling for me is when I have to leave my critters behind. They are true lights in my life, and I am extremely grateful for the love I feel for and from them. They inspire morning awakening, meals, and going out several times a day. They are excellent cuddlers and I love sleeping with them.  May the dog likes to sprawl across the bed on top of the covers, Abie the cat likes to curl up under them with me.  It is always wonderful to return home to be with them again!

I had my neighbor-friend over the other day to thank her for pet-sitting for me, she is a true animal lover and the critters always love to see her and knowing this eases my mind when I do have to leave them.  This was something of a special occasion for me as I seldom have people over to the cabin socially, well, or do anything else socially these days!  I so often find it more difficult than pleasurable to socialize due to both social anxiety and especially my HSP (sensitivity) issues around other people and their various energies.  This can be frustrating because at times I really do miss human companionship.  But, it is difficult for me to meet new people or make plans with friends when so often the appointed hour comes and I am not up for socializing after all.  Fortunately though I have become quite comfortable with solitude so most of the time I am quite content on my own, and there have been a few people I have found I am much more comfortable energetically with than most other folks.

First, a skyscape over the Teton range
 

Next, a view downstream in the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone from Inspiration Point
 

One morning on top of Signal Mountain in Grand Teton National Park my Dad and I were fortunate enough to spend some time observing and appreciating the wonderful courtship display of a resident male Blue Grouse who seemed to enjoy having us for an audience.  This remarkable bird marched slowly and deliberately through his chosen territory while alternately puffing out his neck feathers to display vibrant red air sacs surrounded by showy white feathers, and then relaxing his pose, letting those feathers smooth down close against his body and feeding leisurely on low growing plants.  He produced surprisingly low, somehow gently-booming tones in a sonorous rhythmic pattern that resonated deeply and somehow comfortingly within my ribcage.  After a time we began echoing this song back to him, my Dad more effectively with his deep, rich, low-toned voice.  I can still call up the bird’s magical song in my mind and still feel it lightly thumping like another heartbeat within my chest.  It consisted of a single very rhythmic phrase repeated at intervals in between quiet pauses of varying length.  Were it to be written instead of sung, the phrase might look something like this, “Whoo-oop whoop, whoop, whoo-oop, whoo-oop!“

I took a number of photographs of this magnificent creature, below are 2 of them: one with feathers at rest, one in full courtship display…

A little ways further down Signal Mountain from the male up on top we spotted a female Blue Grouse, equally beautiful even if less colorful.  I find it very interesting that with birds it is usually the male who is more colorful and glamorous, while our current human culture wants or expects or insists that females be so.  One of the things I so enjoy about nature is that no animals (that I know of anyway) use makeup, which to me usually masks real beauty rather than enhancing it.  Anyway, I digress.  The point here is the excitement I felt in finding this female Blue Grouse, also a magnificent creature!  I wondered whether she will work her way further up the mountain and decide to consort with the colorful and sonorous male there and waiting. 

Here is a picture I took of her as she paused during her morning meal:

I had never seen Blue Grouse before, and felt very grateful to see and spend time with them in their world.  The wonders of nature continue to touch my soul and bring joy to my spirit.

I have REALLY appreciated hearing from my xanga friends here during my period of quiet, and have been thinking of you all through the month.  I thank you for your comments on my site during that period!  I seem to be regaining sufficient mental clarity to begin some communications again, so I look forward to returning to visit your sites, hopefully this week!

I went traveling during a portion of my recent mental hibernation.  From
May 5-16 I was blessed with the unique opportunity to spend time with my
parents in Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks in Wyoming. 
It was a wonderful experience and I hope to share more about it here on xanga.

Today I came across a quote that really struck a chord in me in Thomas Moore’s The Soul’s Religion: “Faith is not sentimental self-assurance that everything will turn out in the end but is instead, trust that the mysteries which shroud us have meaning.”  This reminded me of a quote which has helped me through rocky periods in the past which says something like “Serenity is not the absence of the storm, but peace within the storm.” 

These are concepts which really speak to me, because I have learned through the years that struggling to conquer depression and anxiety is far less fruitful for me than allowing myself to experience them, to move through them, grasping messages and meaning I would otherwise miss.  In my opinion life definitely does not always turn out “well”, but, it can always have meaning. 

Darkness can be very frightening, but it has its own rewards, and it surely affords excellent perspective to more fully appreciate wonders in the light…

Sunset photo I took of a geyser in Yellowstone’s Black Sand Basin

I have been trying to keep up with xanga and email but have not been very successful recently.  Sometimes trying to get my mind to stay focused enough to read or write feels like an effort to climb a sand dune where each step up shifts the sands under foot so that it is almost impossible to gain progress!  I want to connect with people – both reading what others share and expressing myself – in these formats which I usually so enjoy, but recently too often my eyes glaze over and coherence escapes me.  At times like these I often feel caught up in a trance of sorts and while I stare vacantly at the computer screen, hours can slip by masquerading as minutes. 

My brain, while quite articulate and fluent at times, simply goes on strike.  I have found fighting against it to be very demoralizing and as ineffective as fighting the tides or the passage of time.  Fortunately, however, I have found that accepting it – which once seemed to me a failure – has proved surprisingly positive.  Doing so has allowed me to experience “the moment” more fully and in ways I might not otherwise experience.  Being able to step outside into the forest at times like these is an inestimable blessing.  For then my senses are treated to the myriad wonders of the natural world, requiring of me no language, and invariably touching my spirit and soul.

 
Chinkapin oak leaf along my trail

The night after my entry on bliss, I was sitting by my kitchen window looking through some watercolor books when I was blessed with a visit from a lovely luna moth!  It felt like really nice timing, having just written about how I am feeling better and so much lighter! 

I have been fortunate enough to get to observe luna moths on a number of occasions – they like my cabin – but this was the first time I got a really good look at the soft furry body underneath those stunning wings – such pretty pink and yellow markings against the white – another truly remarkable creature of incredible beauty and grace.  Upon arriving she fluttered erratically along the glass, but within a few minutes found a spot she liked on the wooden window frame, and settled herself in for a rest.   Having an encounter where I get to sit quietly with a living being of another form and feel the presence we share fills my soul and spirit with wonder and gratitude, and provides me with such a strong sense of spiritual connection.  I am still feeling full of the love that welled up within me seeing her.

Have you ever read Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus?  It is a wonderful, inspiring, uplifting book which can be read at any age level, and the wonderful transformation message applies to all sorts of life changes and spiritual journeys.  I have often reread this book at low points in my life where I need to borrow hope, and it has helped me through some rocky periods.  Seeing the lovely luna during this time when I am feeling lighter and feeling some bliss and joy within my life feels especially wonderful.  I love learning from nature.

In the last few days I have also crossed paths with a number of other creatures besides the squirrels and songbirds who I see daily.  Everyone seems to be out and about and enjoying the spring.  Last night there were two bunnies out in front of the cabin, one quite young, they were very cute!  And the last few days I have seen more turkeys, turtles, and also deer fairly close to the cabin and along the trail.  Today there was a box turtle ambling right down the middle of the trail!  I have been meaning to write entries about each of these creatures, especially the turtles, but haven’t gotten it together yet. 

I took some photos of the lovely luna – the first photo I took while inside my kitchen looking out past the luna into the dark night, and the second I took from outside, perched rather precariously atop a 6 ft step ladder (my cabin is built on a hillside on stilts, and the kitchen is on the downhill side where the stilts are much taller).

Actias luna moth outside my kitchen window


Actias luna moth outside my kitchen window