A couple days ago my neighbor gave me some iris she’d cut from her garden, and remarkably quickly the bloom opened!  So beautiful in scent, color, and texture!  I have noticed that one advantage of contending with clinical depression is that when I have a day where I feel good, I do not take it for granted and it is so… blissful!   I feel so much lighter – on so many levels – and I am extremely grateful to feel this way right now!

Iris from my neighbor

I haven’t had the energy for Xanga since my last entry, and I have really missed keeping up with others’ blogs.  I also really missed feeling clear headed enough to compose my thoughts and write!  There have been many things I have wanted to write about, but couldn’t quite get myself together — one of the disabling effects of the depression can be the way it can really muddle my mind.  I had a very nice visit from my parents this week, I really enjoy my relationship with them.  Tonight I am extremely grateful to feel up to writing an entry here again, and I plan to get caught up on visiting my Xanga friends’ sites this week!

As I was eating breakfast this morning I was sitting by the big picture window watching the songbirds and squirrels.  One squirrel was busy carrying large mouthfuls of leaves up a tree for a nest, and on one run along the ground to gather more, the squirrel ran right past a turkey who was foraging for food on the forest floor.  I was delighted to see the turkey there, and enjoyed being able to share breakfast with this finely feathered friend.  The undergrowth was too thick for a real clear shot, but I tried anyway – here she is:


The turkey outside my kitchen window.

Here is what I found at http://www.cathyginter.com/TOTEM.html on turkey spirit energy:

I like this message, and see many ways I can apply this wisdom to my life!  Nature is a wonderful teacher for me — and as John Lubbock said, “Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.”  I continue to feel so much gratitude for nature, for the forest around me, and the joy, wonder, and sense of connection it inspires within me.

Just a quick entry today here today, my brain is very tired.  It is very unnerving to me at times how long it takes me these days to do things requiring concentration, and how quickly my energy for such things can vanish, especially remembering how that has not always been the case.  Oh well, nonetheless I am very grateful that I have the forest here to inspire my spirit and soul even when my mind is weary, and that I can still appreciate all that the forest offers me in the way of natural wonders.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a birdfeeder hanging just outside my kitchen window, and I find great joy in watching the birds who come for a snack, and hang out on the nearby trees.  I also love to hear their  varied songs.  A few days ago two birds were very cooperative subjects for me, and I took their photos through the window glass.  Here they are:

A female cardinal

And a tufted titmouse

Yesterday my dog (May) and I took our morning walk on my trail, it was beautiful weather and we really took our time.  We have been fortunate to have received a fair amount of rain recently, which has kept much of the wet-weather creek near the trail alive, much to my delight.  This creek is a “losing stream”, meaning that the water table is below the bottom of the stream channel, so the flowing water seems to just disappear into the rocky bottom in places.  It is a truly remarkable sight, and, like the equally magical appearance of spring water pouring out from a rocky hillside, never ceases to amaze me.  The entire creek does fill up and even overflow at times of very significant rains, but in periods of drought the whole works dries up, springs and all.

My trail ends near a cluster of 3 small springs coming out of the rocky hillside, and I have a meditation tent set up nearby.  Right now these springs are flowing strongly, and downstream from here the creek is nice and full for quite a distance.  Perhaps a quarter mile upstream from here are some tiny springs which right now yield a short segment of flowing surface water in the creek, until that water infiltrates back into the ground through the bottom of the rocky creekbed.  The bulk of the streambed downstream from that area — until reaching the 3 small springs which are now restoring surface water — is already dry again, except for a small ephemeral pool just upstream from them which is still fairly full. 

There are some large water-smoothed rocks I really like around the edges of the ephemeral pool so I often walk back up that way instead of on the trail.  This is what I was doing when I caught myself up short just in time to avoid stepping on a fairly sizable frog placidly sitting on one of these nice rocks, overlooking the pool!  I was really surprised, because when frogs see me coming they often hop into the water before I can really get a close look at them!  I quickly sat down on the rock I was crossing over and stayed still in hopes that the frog wouldn’t leap away. 

Indeed, the frog continued to appear quite placid and serene and stayed in its comfortable spot above the pool.  This might sound odd, but I was thrilled to discover that this frog did not seem to mind my presence in the least, and I felt a kinship and calming sense of connection with this creature so different from me.  And, like with the snail, I felt there was a valuable message here for me if I pay attention. 

I discovered that she is a Bronze Frog (Rana clamitans clamitans), extremely close relation to the Green Frog (Rana clamitans melanota).  I learned that both the Bronze and Green Frogs are primarily active at night, so I felt particularly grateful to have encountered her in mid-morning!  I find the idea of animal totems very appealing, so I also looked up frog energy.  What I found felt very relevant and true for me:

Frog Energy

Frog’s song calls down the cleansing power of the rain.
Frog is a reminder of the sacred power of tears to tranform and cleanse
away sorrow. Frogs will die if away from moisture for too long, and thus
Frog reminds us to refresh ourselves, and allow joy to moisten our lives
and our hearts. If you are feeling “muddied” by the world, take a moment
to dream, to laugh and cry and renew yourself. Frog also reminds us to
cleanse our bodies, our environments and our auric fields. People with
Frog energy should learn and utilize methods of psychic cleansing.

Frog people may go through many metamorphoses during their lives, and
may change careers several times. Balance will come through respecting
these changes and learning to go with the flow.

(note: this Frog Energy info is from http://www.serioussilver.com/totemenergy/frog.html)

Here is a photograph I took yesterday of my friend the frog:

A Bronze Frog (Rana clamitans clamitans)

For close up photography of small subjects like buds and tiny wildflowers, I frequently pick up a fallen oak leaf from the forest floor to hold up in the same vertical plane as the specific part of the subject I want to appear in the crispest focus.  Using this larger leaf target makes it much easier for me to focus properly, and once I’ve locked my focus I just remove it from view to take the photo.  Yesterday when I picked up a fallen oak leaf to use for this purpose to photograph a tiny bud, I was quite pleasantly surprised to find a snail attached to the leaf!

I gently lowered the leaf back to the forest floor and sat myself down nearby to observe the snail.  It must  also have been surprised to be hoisted into the air so unceremoniously!  It has two pairs of tentacles, one set olfactory and one set optical, and it had partially retracted both sets.  After a few minutes the snail seemed to decide all was well, fully extending both sets of tentacles heading off on a journey all its own.  I was filled with wonder once again at the variety of amazing forms of life, and really enjoyed watching how the snail fluidly extended and contracted its foot and curved a bit side to side as it slid smoothly along its mucoid trail.  I was reminded – watching this snail – that for me, a life lived at a slower pace can be very rewarding!


Here are four sequential pictures I took of this Eastern Forest Snail, Anguispira alternata, (a terrestrial, herbivorous, hermaphroditic critter) steadily making its way across an oak leaf on the forest floor, leaving a shiny new trail behind:


One,

Two,

Three,

Four!

Here is a fitting poem by John Bunyan (November 30, 1628 – August 31, 1688):
Upon a snail
She goes but softly, but she goeth sure,
She stumbles not, as stronger creatures do.
Her journey’s shorter, so she may endure
Better than they which do much farther go.
She makes no noise, but stilly seizeth on
The flower or herb appointed for her food,
The which she quietly doth feed upon
While others range and glare, but find no good.
And though she doth but very softly go,
However, ’tis not fast nor slow, but sure;
And certainly they that do travel so,
The prize they do aim at they do procure.

I’m feeling pretty well today and am getting caught up a bit on developments here in the forest the last few days.  Here are some wildflowers I spotted along the trail (and photographed) on March 26:

Spring Beauty, Claytonia virginica

Harvey’s Buttercup, Ranunculus harveyi

Friday I drove to Springfield to paint with my watercolor friend from class.  We have been painting together outside of class once a week.  This has been really good for me, because I really enjoy both painting and her company so painting together is a good way for me to socialize, which I tend not to do too much these days.

In general, simple things which used to be fairly easy for me, like getting out of bed, doing laundry, cooking a meal, keeping up with email, making a phone call or a social visit, now often feel difficult or draining due to the depression/anxiety.  I am very grateful to live where I do because the peace and quiet and the forest help inspire me.   Walking along the trail can make a major difference in my outlook and often in my energy.

There is a pair of Downy Woodpeckers who frequent the bird feeder at my kitchen window, they are quite fond of the black sunflower seeds offered there.  I really enjoy watching them flying between the feeder and the oak tree right just beyond the window.  They beautiful creatures, and I so enjoy their presence here.  Here are pictures of them I took today:

Female Downy Woodpecker 

Male Downy Woodpecker

Spring is progressing rapidly with new growth continuing to spring up remarkably quickly.  The lovely Common Violet has made its appearance, as has the distinctive Bloodroot.  Here are pictures I took of these wildflowers along my trail in the forest:

Common Violet

Bloodroot

Getting out of bed this morning was really painful, and took several hours to pull off, but I am very glad I did because I discovered there had been lots of changes in the forest overnight.  Several new species of flowers completely invisible yesterday afternoon had not only broken through the soil overnight, but were already in full bloom this afternoon!  And, the new leaves of the buckeye trees are now bursting forth!  Photos I took of buckeye buds along my trail this week appear below.

These first 3 shots are of the same buckeye bud on 3 different days:


 Fri 3/16/07 2:30pm    Wed 3/21/07 4:30pm      Thur 3/22/07 4:30pm

A different buckeye bud nearby is a little bit further ahead in unfurling:

                      Thur 3/22/07 4:30pm

I am very pleased to report that I felt relatively good again today, able to get up out of bed without extreme effort.  There were a few low spots mixed in, times when my energy really flagged and I felt overwhelmed, but I was able to work through them without too much difficulty.  While it has certainly been a tough process and I’m still not through yet, I feel like I am starting to make some headway in developing a stronger sense of self worth and identity around who I am as a human being, separate from work or accomplishments.  When I became disabled by the depression and anxiety, it was such a huge blow to my self esteem that I could no longer work for a living.  I realized how much of my identity and self worth was tied up with my work.  Over the course of the last year and a half in particular I have been making an effort to work through the enormous shame I’ve carried about both becoming disabled, and also about becoming disabled due to mental illness.  On and off through the years I have found journaling helpful, but I am finding that blogging at this stage in my journey feels like a good opportunity for me to try and become more comfortable with all of this by talking about this on a broader scale than a handwritten journal not shared with others.

Okay, now for a lighter note.  I have bird feeders around the cabin which attract great numbers of songbirds, and I also have a small bird bath for them which is suspended from a small persimmon tree.  Red and gray squirrels are very active around my cabin, though they have never disturbed the bird feeders.  Yesterday, I looked out the window and as I watched a pretty red squirrel climbed the little persimmon tree and got a very leisurely drink from the bird bath, which swayed gently with the extra weight, and then climbed back down as though this was a normal routine!  I’d never seen a squirrel drink from the bird bath before, but perhaps they’ve been at it for some time! 

Resident red squirrel hanging around
outside my kitchen window.


Windflower or Rue anemone – Anemonella thalictoides 
in bloom today along my trail.

I am a recovering alcoholic and as of today I have been sober 13 years.  I am extremely grateful about this, as alcohol was decidedly not good for me.  This morning I woke up feeling more energized than I have all week, and I even went and got groceries this afternoon and made myself a salad filled with fresh veggies – yum!

I came across some quotes today on the web that really made me smile.  Here are some of them:

When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.  ~Tuli Kupferberg

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.  ~Albert Camus

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.  ~Dr. Seuss

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they’re okay, then it’s you.  ~Rita Mae Brown

See, the human mind is kind of like… a piñata.  When it breaks open, there’s a lot of surprises inside.  Once you get the piñata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience.  ~Jane Wagner

Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon.  A happiness weapon.  A beauty bomb.  And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one.  It would explode high in the air – explode softly – and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air.  Floating down to earth – boxes of Crayolas.  And we wouldn’t go cheap, either – not little boxes of eight.  Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in.  With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest.  And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination.  ~Robert Fulghum

In the last few days the Common Spicebush, Lindera benzoin, have begun to bloom!  The Spicebush has tiny yellow flowers which make their way out of tiny round buds along the branches of this small, shrubby tree.  Incidentally, this plant was used medicinally by Native Americans for a variety of ailments.  Here are a couple photos I took of them along my trail:


Spicebush flowers beginning to open…

Spicebush flowers blooming!