I feel so incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity yesterday to watch a flock of wild turkey right outside my kitchen’s big picture window!  I was filled with awe once again at the incredible miracles of nature and the joy and wonder I experience living amid this wonderful forest.  There were at least ten of these grand birds working their way across the hillside within about 30 feet of the cabin, scattering leaf litter broadly aside with their big strong feet and arching their necks down to eat acorns and other goodies they uncovered.   The wild turkeys here are so skittish that I have had few chances to observe them this closely, so it felt like such an amazing gift to be able to watch them so nearby and for so long without spooking them!

In between periods of grazing, they would periodically stretch their wings or fluff their feathers, and call to one another with messages in turkey-speak.  They were clearly very alert, and would frequently pause in their activities to scan their surroundings.  As twilight set in, I was delighted to find they had decided to stay by the cabin for the night!  Gradually, one by one the turkeys would get up a running start and then flap with great focus to ascend into the treetops to roost.  It seemed to take some time for them to select just the right spot on just the right branch, and involved walking along branches or fluttering between branches along with vocalizations expressing I don’t know what!  Some of them would rub their head and legs on the branches, and most spent some time stretching their wings and fluffing out their feathers before finally settling down.

As darkness fell, I could still make out their silhouettes, and I was thrilled seeing them up in those massive oaks right near the cabin, that they’d chosen to stay close and they were safely tucked in for the night.  I was really disappointed given this turn of events that I had committed to attend a potluck that night, as I worried that my going out would disrupt their sense of security.  I feel such a kinship with nature and I am so very grateful for each day spent in such close proximity with her and her other beings.  It feels so timeless and so natural and so honorable and so humbling and so healthy to be immersed like this in the natural world on a daily basis, and to soak in and radiate back the awe and wonder and solace and inspiration it brings to me.

I know that many people appear to have adapted so much as to prefer modern “civilization” which insulates on all levels from the “raw” natural world, and now find nature in the raw uncomfortable and unappealing.  But for someone like me, a life too insulated from nature stifles, numbs, and alienates while one immersed in nature like this frees, soothes, and inspires.  I now have a very loving connection with someone I adore who loves nature but is more comfortable than me in modern life.  I am very grateful for the opportunity to share such a deep and loving connection, and am venturing out more and more to spend time with this wonderful woman.  The primary challenge for me is finding adequate overlap and compromise in lifestyle.  I am trying to trust in the universe that we will find a way to together live that balance so we can thrive together, and I welcome all prayers and good energy for healthy living and loving.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Heart-walk

Heart

Yin-Yang

House and chimney warmed by wood

Happy face


Hiker

Backpacker

Evergreen

Deciduous tree and sun or moon

Supposed to be a trail up to a mountain peak

Supposed to be a side view of a turtle with pretty shell

Panoramic view eastward from atop my cabin

Looking from my cabin northward up the driveway

Looking southward down the driveway to my cabin

Looking northward/up at the cabin from one of my hiking trails

My beloved cat Abraham out exploring on a white winter day

My snowy valentine message sent out to my beloved girlfriend

Another panoramic view, mostly eastward, from my cabin roof

Snowy footprints along the hiking trail just below my cabin

Hieroglyph of a turtle, my most consistent totem animal

Winter returned in force this week, depositing a spectacular 5-inch thick shimmering white blanket across the forest.  The first two inches are tiny little ice pellets that formed a solid underlay for the 3-inch top coat of soft feathery snowflakes that sparkle with brilliance in the afternoon sunlight.  This is the thickest and most beautiful white coat I have seen drape the forests in my five winters in Missouri.  The soft powder topping the denser base reflected and refracted the abundant afternoon sunshine in a captivating manner, and provided an richly sensual surface for walking upon – soft and cushioning with a very gentle crunch.  My dog May would have loved to accompany me as I traipsed through the unbroken snow, and I would have loved to watch her romp and play and celebrate unreservedly nature’s endless wonders.  I had a walking stick with me as I wandered, absorbing the breathtaking majesty of the trackless snowy forest, and without premeditation I instinctively attempted to draw a picture of May in hopes that her spirit might share more directly in my earthly sensory celebration.   The drawing looked to me more like a deer with an unusually long tail, but I think May would understand my intent…

Hieroglyph of my recently deceased but still beloved dog May

I am feeling so incredibly fortunate and grateful to be living here in this little cabin in this peaceful forest.  Today we here in the Missouri Ozarks had one of our reprieves from winter, with a high in the low 60′s – quite a difference from last week’s low of 5.  It was also a day filled with glorious sunshine, and I worked outside in the forest all day long feeling the deep sense of peace and balance and connection with nature and spirit I have so often found here out in my wooded sanctuary.  I did some maintenance work on one of my trails, made some brush piles for the critters, and cut firewood from some of the massive branches that came down in last year’s ice storms.  I use simple hand tools for all these tasks: a light leaf rake, pruners, and a handsaw.  Today I regained an awareness of various muscles in my arms, shoulders, and back I’d not been using much recently. 

I like using simple hand tools rather than more powerful tools or power tools for a combination of reasons:
1. They are blessedly, blissfully Q-u-i-e-t
2. They are way more eco-friendly to operate
2. They are more gentle on soil, plants, and trees
4. They are conducive to slow and meditative work
5. They encourage me to be in close contact with Earth
6. They afford a more “timeless” connection with ancestors

Part of what I love about being here is that I cannot see or hear any other human activity or development.  Instead, the sights and sounds are of nature and I feel so privileged to share this intimacy with mother Earth.  The cabin, while small and rustic, provides for my basic needs.  I feel so blessed to be able to step outside and commune with flora and fauna surrounding me.  I love to listen to the often subtle symphony of nature and gaze upon unbroken forest as far as the eye can see.  I love to breathe slowly and deeply of the open air here that feels so clean and fresh, and to smell the earthy scent of the leaves and soil.  I love to touch the varied textures of bark, moss, and rock.  I love to lay my body right down against the breast of the Earth, to get as close as I can to the source of so many miracles, to entrain my spirit with the rhythm of the Earth.  When I do this, so often my soul fills right up with peace and love overflowing.  I feel the magnificence of Gaia then, of how it feels to be in balance as a part of the greater whole.  I did this today, and I felt this today, and I am so grateful to be fully conscious and alive.

I returned to my beloved forest sanctuary home from my extended holiday journey 3 days ago, and am still getting accustomed to being here without my dog May.  She has been such an important part of my life, and such a wonderful companion in this remote setting.  It has felt empty and hollow here in some ways without May by my side, both within the cabin and out along the trail, yet on some level I sense her spirit’s presence.  At times I feel like she is still with me yet also in a very peaceful place beyond the physical realm.  But I still miss being able to wrap my arms around her and cuddle up together.  I am very grateful for my cat Abie, as he loves to cuddle and be held and tending to him in those ways brings me as much or more comfort as he gets.  I had a good cry tonight grieving May which felt cleansing, and I continue to be grateful for the time I did get to share with her here. 

I took this test after seeing S2Know’s result posted on her xanga site:
http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-golden-compass-daemon-test

Your result for The Golden Compass Daemon Test …

Open Solitary Soul

I am very grateful to have joyfully celebrated the winter holidays this year with my sweetheart M and our families, as well as having had a nice visit with my best friend and a happy reunion with two dear friends from high school.  M and I had a wonderful visit over Thanksgiving in Rochester NY with my parents on Lake Ontario, a refreshing ecospiritual celebration of Winter Solstice with friends in W NC, a nice holiday lunch together with all of our parents, a great Christmas with her family at Emerald Isle NC, and for New Years a delightful dance on the Eve and beautiful hike on the Day.  The final celebration of the season was more bittersweet: a ritual to honor the life of my beloved dog who died this week, a memorial celebration which encompassed tremendous joy but also very deep sorrow.

Over five of the last seven years with my dog May, I have had scattered but significant trouble with her behaving aggressively with others.  It has been a difficult thing to grapple with since she was always so extremely gentle and loving with me, as with many others, and I didn’t always perceive or forsee her triggers.  A couple weeks ago she had another aggressive episode which particularly terrified me.  Since then, I consulted with a veterinarian and my conscience, and made the difficult and painful decision to have May euthanized to prevent additional danger/harm.

I did this with a very heavy heart and I am open to any prayers or compassionate thoughts you might be able to spare for us both.  I’m attaching a photo of us from a happier day, and taking comfort in the fact that I got to take May on lots of nice long hikes and spend lots of time cuddling with her in her final week.  Her actual passing was as loving and peaceful a process as I could have ever dared hope for.  I am also attaching here a tribute which M helped me write and share with May prior to her death.  Thank you all for sharing in the joy we have had as well as the sorrow.

Tribute to May in honor of her final journey here Wednesday January 7, 2009

Dearest May, you are strikingly gentle and strong, sensitive and cheerful, loyal and loving.  Your eyes, such a deep chestnut brown, are so soulful, and so soothing to gaze into.  Your coat is so smooth and soft.  You have brought great comfort, hope, and joy into our lives.  Though not always gentle with others, you have been so full of gentleness, compassion, and care for Cath; you have been very protective of her and helpful to her.

You have appreciated the simple things of life with the deepest of pleasure: bathing in pools of sunlight, wading through pools of water and especially submerging your face, watching the crayfish in the river, long walks in the woods, sitting quietly in nature and absorbing the sensory delights; finding persimmons by the cabin, pawpaws by the river, carrots in the garden to eat; chewing rawhide bones by the woodstove; letting Abie lick your face and cuddling close with Cath.  You have shared Cath’s sanctuary and sense of sacredness at Sweetwater at the river, the cabin, the springs, the garden, and the trails you helped Cath to create in the forest.  For all of this, Cath is grateful to you.  

While Cath has given you the love and care you needed, you helped in a very critical time to keep meaning and joy in her life during a part of her journey when life for her had become traumatic and disorienting.  Thanks to love for you, Cath remained fully committed to caring for you when she lost the will to care for herself and so carried on.  Your gentleness and affection toward her and your enthusiasm for life gave her hope.  You helped inspire her to create a new paradigm for a life outside the box — close to soul and nature — enabling her spirit to heal and grow in encouraging new directions.

I’m so glad for the day when Cath found you. I believe that you two were meant to be together, and that you have brought each other peace and comfort, joy and happiness.  Because of Cath, you have been well cared for with great tenderness and compassion.  And, you helped Cath remember she was able to care for others even when she felt lost and alone.  Cath is deeply extremely grateful to you for the many gifts you have brought to her life.  You two have had seven loving years of supporting each other.  The quality of your time together has had an infinitely greater value than you both might yet know.

I don’t understand all of the factors that have brought out your aggression.  I am sure that you act in ways you feel you need to in order to stay safe, even though in the long run it is not safe for you or for those around you.  But, your aggressive behaviors have in no way diminished the beautiful and loving creature that you are.  And though your life is perhaps being cut short prematurely, all aspects of your loving energy and all of your full wildness will now be free beyond the constraints of this manifestation of life.

There are no muzzles where you are going, and no threats, and no upsetting intrusions.

There it is full of freedom, safety, peace, and love.  Your body will return to nourish the earth and the waters and the verdant forests you love.  Your spirit will visit more sacred rivers and forest sanctuaries and continue to appreciate and enjoy all the wonders of nature you and Cath and Melanie all love so deeply.

We will remember you, May, with affection, respect, and gratitude.

You are a part of us, and you always will be.

We love you, May.

–M and Cath

Once again I’ve had a prolonged lapse in posting.  Thanks to a few gentle nudges from xangan friends though, I am trying again to catch up!  Winding towards the end of yet another year, I find myself reflecting back over 2008.  One delightful development I will expand on more in a subsequent post is that I am now in a wonderful intimate relationship.  Also, what strikes me most strongly about my personal journey over the year in review is how very, very grateful I am for the improved wellness I have been fortunate enough to experience and enjoy throughout the majority of this year!  At times it has felt like a true miracle that my mental, emotional, and spiritual health has been ever so much greater this year after a long dark stretch.

It is hard to know exactly how this healing happened, but I suspect it involved a synergistic combination of various diverse factors.  After so many years of seemingly fruitless struggle, I really feel like things are finally coming together.  I feel such tremendous gratitude to have finally reached this place of grace along my life’s journey.  I believe adoption of and immersion in a more nature-based, spiritual, and simpler life has been absolutely invaluable.  I believe that these critical changes in conjunction with alternative healing modalities, and medical, educational, and counseling approaches to healing mental illness, and also having people and animals to love and be loved by, have collectively aided me in reaching a new wellness which I hope will prove very long-lasting. 

I am phrasing this in terms of reaching a new wellness rather than “a recovery from illness” intentionally.  Kathleen Crowley has coined a term, “procovery,” for just this type of distinction — and has written a great book about it which I have cited below.  For me, this distinction reflects the fact that I do believe I have made very important progress, even though I have not “recovered” in the sense of regaining an ability to return to work, regaining a more comfortable economic status or more respected social status, or regaining an ability to sustain a more sophisticated style or standard of living.  In this sense, I continue to fall short of many of the socially sanctioned markers for our culture, however as I’ll touch on more below I feel in some ways much healthier in my current life.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, after struggling over so many years with the debilitation, despair and angish associated with clinical depression and anxiety, my own concepts around success have changed markedly.  I discovered that the strong importance and pull social status and keeping up with the Jonses once held for me became far less valuable, and even counterproductive or dangerous for me to pursue when just living consumed all of my energy and ability to focus.  Conventional standards for success like those I have been describing become unrealistic goals in such circumstances, and adherence to them at such times is a sure recipe for feeling like or identifying as a failure.

One of the more painful parts of this journey, but perhaps in the long run one of the more rewarding, has been feeling forced to create modified standards for success so I would not continue to feel like a failure.  The new concepts for success I am coming to are based primarily on the achievement of communion with nature and spirit, and of inner peace, compassion, mindfulness, and love.  There is much less emphasis on material achievements, prestige, or social status for me now.  Perhaps the greatest irony for me is that I had not achieved lasting happiness or health when I was doing what I thought proper, pursuing and achieving social status and material security and luxury.  Even, that is, while working in a career I felt passionate about, environmental protection, and receiving accolades almost up until my total collapse six years ago – and yet, collapse I did under the oppressive weight of anxiety and depression.  The prestige, etc. couldn’t cure me.

So, ironically this deep sense of wellness has come only after first losing everything, and then trudging painfully through seemingly endless years of predominately darkness, only to discover that in the process I am finding a new sort of light.  I am now finally discovering that I am actually building a whole new life which is actually working well for me.  It is based around such different standards, but they seem to fit on a deeper level than the old ones ever did.  One of the gifts of this process has been that my ability to appreciate that most awesome marvel of simply appreciating feeling well, in good spirits or at peace, has grown exponentially.  And, the gift of grace now of getting to feel that way and appreciate it! 

Another gift has been despite becoming on some levels disabled and in many ways because of it, I have also become an ecological steward protecting, restoring, and enhancing a home nestled in a peaceful forest.  I am so grateful for the wonders of nature and for immersion in them.  And, for learning that I can enjoy a simpler lifestyle with fewer luxuries and fewer things.  And for realizing that I now feel like a much healthier person, much more balanced holistically in body, mind, soul, and spirit than I ever did when I outwardly resembled a conventionally successful person.  May such miracles continue and may they warm the hearts and fuel the hopes of all who suffer!

Well, once again I’ve had a longer than intended absence from blogging.  Much of my time and energy since posting last has been focused on the garden, and I’m delighted to report its lush growth and productivity has truly amazed me.  This view includes lettuce, spinach, carrots, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, peas, beans, and tomatoes.  I’ve also had a lot of other significant and positive developments in my life this spring and summer which I hope to say more about later, but wanted to at least get this much up for now.